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Relationship Violence

Relationship violence occurs when one partner uses a pattern of harmful behaviors to gain and maintain power and control over another. Relationship violence is also sometimes called domestic violence or intimate partner violence depending on the relationships between parties; we use the former term to highlight that partners in an abusive relationship may not live together or be married and, further, relationships that are not romantic can also be abusive (i.e., friendships, roommates, coworkers, situationships, hook ups).

Though relationship violence is often stigmatized as a 'private matter,' it is very common, including among college students. Among all age groups, women ages 16 to 24 report the highest rates of violence from partners, and, in some studies, as many as 1 in 3 college women report having experienced relationship violence. Anyone can abuse and be abused. 

If you or someone you know need help navigating an ongoing or former abusive relationship, schedule an appointment to talk to a CARE advocate.

Northwestern's Policies on Relationship Violence

Northwestern addresses relationship violence as 'dating/domestic violence' in its sexual misconduct policies.

Dating and domestic violence are prohibited on campus and are defined as:
"...Any violence (including but not limited to emotional, physical, sexual, [technological], and financial abuse or threat of abuse) between two people who are or have been in a social relationship of a romantic or intimate nature...Domestic violence is violence between two people who are or have been in an intimate or romantic relationship, who share a child in common, or who live or have lived together as spouses or intimate partners. Violence against any person by that person’s caretaker or guardian (such as abuse against an elderly, young, or disabled person) may also be considered domestic violence."

Additional information on this definition, as well as information on reporting dating or domestic violence to the university, is available on the Sexual Misconduct and Title IX website.

Types of Relationship Violence

Use the following drop-down menu to read about types of relationship violence and examples of what abusive behavior may look like. Though they are divided into neat categories here, these forms of abuse may interplay so much within an abusive relationship that they are difficult to categorize as distinct actions. A relationship can be violent and abusive without any physical violence occurring. However, other types of abuse can escalate into physical violence over time.

Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse, sometimes also called psychological or verbal abuse, is attacking a victim's identity, self-esteem, and emotional well-being in order to control them, often through fear, guilt, or shame. Emotional abuse may be contextual and difficult to recognize. For example, joking about a mistake someone has made can be a normal part of a relationship. However, when it is part of ongoing pattern of put-downs, it creates and reinforces a victim's feelings of worthlessness. Other examples of emotional abuse include:
  • Frequent criticism, name-calling, invalidation, or belittling
  • Intimidating behavior such as yelling and berating
  • Calling a victim 'crazy', 'dramatic' and denying or minimizing abusive behavior (i.e., gaslighting)
  • Humiliating a victim; threatening to ruin their reputation or turn people against them
  • Threatening to "out" a victim (by releaving an identity that they keep hidden)
  • Threatening suicide or self-harm unless they get what they want
  • Withholding affection or using the silent treatment until they get what they want
  • Blaming a victim for everything, including their own abuse
  • Keeping a victim from studying, going to class, working, sleeping, seeing friends, engaging in hobbies, etc.; demanding all of a victim's time and attention
  • Baselessly accusing a victim of cheating or lying

Economic Abuse

Economic abuse, which may also be called financial abuse, is using someone’s money, spending behavior, or financial situation to control them. Economic abuse can include:
  • Stealing money; using a victim's credit cards or meal plan without permission
  • Ruining a victim's credit or stealing their identity for financial purposes
  • Paying for things a victim needs and using that to manipulate them
  • Making a victim feel guilty about their financial or employment status
  • Refusing to pay bills or abide by other financial agreements in the relationship
  • Not allowing a victim to work or sabotaging them at work
  • Coercing a victim into sharing expenses that they can't afford

Sexual Abuse

Sexual assault, abuse, and rape can be perpetrated by a partner. Being in a romantic relationship doesn’t diminish anyone's personal autonomy or right to make decisions about their sex life, including whether, when, and how to have sex; the specifics of sexual activity; and how concerns around pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs) are handled (see also Reproductive Abuse/Coercion below). Sexual abuse in a relationship may include:

  • Pressuring, guilting, or manipulating a victim to have sex or to engage in specific sexual activities (i.e., through lying, begging, threats to break-up, threats of harm or self-harm)
  • Using physical harm or drugs or alcohol to force a victim to have sex or to engage in specific sexual activities
  • Threatening to or actually sharing private sexual information with others to harm a victim (i.e., sexually explicit photos or videos, STI status, information about someone's kinks or sexual preferences)
  • Sabotage, lying, or use of force around birth control and safer sex methods to prevent STIs, including stealthing (i.e., secretly removing an agreed-upon condom)

Physical Abuse

Physical abuse is any unwanted contact with your body or any physical damage to you, your possessions, your pets, or your loved ones. Physical abuse is not always painful and doesn't always leave a bruise. The threat of physical abuse or the use of physical intimidation are powerful forms of control on their own. Physical abuse can include:

  • Hitting, slapping, kicking, or burning
  • Strangulation or choking
  • Grabbing, pushing, shaking, or restraining a victim
  • Physically blocking and preventing a victim from leaving a space
  • Hurting pets
  • Damaging a victim's property
  • Throwing things at or near a victim; slamming doors, punching walls
  • Using or threatening with weapons

Digital Abuse

Digital abuse is the use of technology and the Internet to harass, stalk, intimidate, or control a victim. This behavior is often a type of emotional or sexual abuse conducted online. Digital technologies can provide abusive partners with more numerous and effective avenues for causing harm, even after a relationship ends and they lose physical access to a victim. Digital abuse can include: 
  • Controlling who the victim follows, is friends with, or speaks to online
  • Sending hurtful or threatening messages; making new accounts when blocked to continue contacting the victim
  • Using social media or any kind of technology to track the victim's activities or whereabouts 
  • Purposeful humiliation in posts online 
  • Sending or pressuring the victim to send unwanted explicit content
  • Posting or sharing authentic or synthetic (i.e., deepfakes) explicit content of the victim without consent 
  • Stealing passwords or demanding access to the victim's devices and technology; looking through the victim's phone without permission 
  • Constantly contacting the victim, making them feel like they can’t be separated from their phone 

Reproductive Abuse/Coercion

Reproductive abuse or coercion is behavior intended to maintain power and control related to someone's reproductive and sexual health. This form of abuse, like others, denies victims bodily autonomy, violates their boundaries and consent, and can leave them feeling trapped in a relationship. It often occurs alongside other forms of sexual abuse. Reproductive abuse or coercion can look like: 
  • Pressuring a victim to use or not use specific forms of contraception 
  • Sabotaging or interfering with use of contraceptive methods such as condoms, birth control, or Plan B 
  • Coercing or forcing a victim to become pregnant, have an abortion, or not have an abortion against their wishes
  • Sexual violence can be also be reproductive abuse or coercion, if it involves acts such as stealthing (nonconsensual condom removal) or intentionally exposing a partner to a sexually transmitted infection (STI).

Stalking

Stalking is a pattern of behavior, whether in-person or virtual, that targets a victim and causes them to feel fear and emotional distress. Stalkers are most likely to be former or current intimate partners, despite the popular belief that most stalkers are strangers to their victims. Stalking can look like:
  • Making repeated, unwanted contact with you (i.e., phone calls, texts, emails, letters, presents, social media)
  • Following or spying on you; showing up, driving by, or waiting around your classes, work, or home.
  • Gathering information about or tracking you (i.e., looking through your property, using investigation services, monitoring your social media use, installing trackers or spyware)
  • Posting information or spreading rumors about you on the internet, in a public place, or by word of mouth.
  • Threatening to hurt you, your family, friends, or pets.

See also:

Quick Exit