Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships
Whether romantic, friendly, or familial, healthy relationships are mutually supportive and beneficial to the individuals who are part of them. They enrich your life and help you grow. Read more about your Relationship Rights and Responsibilities; everyone deserves healthy relationships and no one deserves to be abused.
If you are wondering whether a relationship is healthy or not, you can schedule an appointment to explore with a CARE advocate.
Relationships as a Spectrum
Relationships are comprised of a mixture of behaviors that fall along a spectrum from healthy to unhealthy, meaning these behaviors can exist alongside each other. Healthy behaviors promote equity for all parties and add up to a healthy relationship. Healthy relationships are not perfect, but problems can be safely addressed, and conflict leads to productive change.
Some core signs of a healthy relationship include:
- Mutual respect: You value each other as you are and respect each others' boundaries
- Equal power, such as in decision-making
- Open and direct communication from all parties, without fear of manipulation or retaliation
- Emotional intimacy and safe vulnerability; all parties feel mutual support, security, and comfort
- You are able to have your own interests and relationships apart from each other; the right to keep some things private or separate is respected
- Conflict is resolved respectfully
- Many basic values are shared; differences of opinion are respected
- A significant degree of trust without the need to constantly 'prove' trustworthiness
- Shared commitment to a healthy relationship
Some warnings signs of an unhealthy relationship could include:
- A lack of communication and avoidance of problems in the relationship
- A lack of support or emotional intimacy
- Constant arguing with little to no resolution or repair
- One or all parties are dishonest with each other or hide information from each other
- Unequal decision-making power; unwillingness to compromise
- Coercion or testing around boundaries; any boundary violations, even if they seem 'small'
- Parties only spend time with each other and don't pursue their own goals and interests; guilting or jealousy around independence
- Consistent, unearned mistrust between parties; parties feel entitled to invade others' privacy or demand 'loyalty tests'
Not all unhealthy behaviors are necessarily abusive or signs that a relationship should imminently end, but relationships should be made up of mostly healthy behaviors. Friends, family, and therapists can play a useful and supportive role in identifying an unhealthy relationship and taking steps to improve it, if desired. Relationships with lots of unhealthy behaviors that parties are not willing or able to change might be worth ending. You should always have the right to safely end a relationship you no longer want to engage in for any reason.
Abusive Relationships
Abusive relationships are motivated by one party's desire to create and maintain power and control over others. Power and control are created through patterns of emotionally, physically, financially, and sexually abusive behaviors. For example, if one partner belittles another during a fight, it may seem like an isolated incident of unhealthy behavior. However, repeated belittling, reinforced by other attacks on self esteem, can lead to a survivor believing that they are not good enough to stand on their own, are to blame for their partner's abusive behavior, and must stay in the relationship and accept being controlled 'for their own good.'
Examples of abusive behaviors intended to create power and control dynamics are listed in the power and control wheel and on our page Defining Relationship Violence. These behaviors are harmful, threatening, coercive, isolating, and scary. The abusive actions are often dismissed or minimized by perpetrators and victims are blamed for 'causing' them.
Behaviors can start out seeming like a one-off or unhealthy rather than abusive, but become part of an ongoing pattern of power and control that changes and escalates over time. The concept of a cycle of abuse is useful for understanding this escalation. It describes how, after an abusive incident, there is often a period of reconciliation where the person who caused harm apologizes, buys gifts, says they will seek therapy, explains their behavior as temporary (i.e., related to stress or substance use), or promises that the abuse will not occur again. However, following this period, tension builds in the relationship, once again culminating in abuse. This cycle continue to repeat itself without the promised change occurring.
What Should I Look for in a Partner?
With a new partner or any new kind of relationship, it’s not possible to know exactly who could be abusive or unhealthy ahead of time. Even if we had a sure list and a new partner exhibited every sign, there would still be no justification for their abuse later on. You are not to blame for not predicting abusive behavior or for not recognizing it 'soon enough.'
It’s important to establish positive qualities you do want from your relationship, in addition to establishing your deal-breakers. Being in touch with and affirming your own values will help you more quickly identify when you're not in alignment with someone. Scarleteen's Yes/No/Maybe Inventory can inspire you to think about your boundaries, needs, and desires in sexual relationships and facilitate conversations with new partners. You can also check out Love is Respect's relationship check-up quiz; if you want to discuss your results, CARE is here!
What should I do if I...?
...May be in an unhealthy relationship?
- If your relationship is affecting your emotional health, consider individual counseling on campus with CAPS or seeking support from CARE.
- Connect with friends and loved ones, and invest in support you have from relationships and interests that build you up, including your relationship with yourself.
- Consider what taking a break might mean to you or the relationship. Unhealthy relationships can improve, but they require true accountability and work that parties should be prepared to do.
- If you want to stay in the relationship, you could communicate your concerns to your partner(s), including the changes that feel necessary to you. Check out this article from a relationship counselor with tips for having tough relationship conversations.
...Think my friend may be in an unhealthy relationship and want to help?
- Share your observations about your friend's relationship with them, and name your concern without judgment.
- Maintain a stance of openness and curiosity toward your friend's experience of and feelings about the relationship rather than speaking over them or labeling the relationship for them.
- It can be challenging, but try to avoid attacking your friend's partner. Name their behavior, rather than their character. If your friend is invested in the relationship, they may become defensive or offended if you insult their partner and avoid coming to you for help in the future.
- Tell your friend they have your support and can talk to you regardless of what happens in the relationship, as long as you genuinely feel you can keep this promise. A significant warning sign for abuse is a person becoming more isolated, so sticking around can be protective.
- If your friend chooses to leave the relationship, completely ending it may take several attempts. Be patient, and try to maintain your supportive and nonjudgmental stance.
- If you’re worried about your friend, suggest they consider talking to confidential counselors at CARE or CAPS. Both offices can help talk through all kinds of relationship situations; they are not only for addressing abuse. You can also seek support from these resources as a student coping with a stressful experience.
- Further guidelines for supporting a friend experiencing dating violence can be found in the Community section.
...Want to know more about healthy relationships?
- CARE offers presentations on healthy relationships and other pertinent topics. Request a program for your group.
- Relevant workshops are also provided by request by student peer educators in SHAPE and staff at the Women’s Center.
...May have harmed my partner?
- If you’re concerned with your behavior towards your partner, seeking counseling from CARE or CAPS is an option for you too.
- What's OK? offers resources and a confidential phone and chatline for those who have questions or concerns about their sexual behavior.
- The Safer Society Foundation maintains a database of clinicians who work with people who have been abusive or who have problematic sexual behaviors.