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The college years are a time of change and development for both students and their parents. Predictably, both face the challenges of transition and the need to "let go" with a combination of excitement, discomfort, confusion, and fear. Some familiarity with what to expect can ease these challenges for all members of the family. "Letting go" does not mean ending the parent-child relationship; college students will continue to need firm parental support and guidance. Over time, however, parents will need to "let go" of certain old ways of relating to their son or daughter while negotiating new ways of relating in the future.
QUESTIONS FOR PARENTS TO CONSIDER
Communication
- How will you keep in touch with your student?
- What are your expectations?
- Have you made these expectations explicit?
- Do you anticipate changes in these expectations over time?
Parents serve as anchors to disperse news from home. Whether or not your student writes back regularly, e-mail from home is often read and reread. Students' own identities feel shaky in the constantly changing external and internal worlds in which they operate. Recognition and acceptance from home can restore a sense of continuity and self-worth.
You should remember that young adults often call parents when they are “down” and call friends when they are “up.” Therefore, parents may receive a skewed view of the psychological well-being of their student.
Your role in the relationship is changing, but the relationship is still one of lifelong connection. Establish a supportive, firm role of adviser.
Academics
- What is your philosophy about learning? How do grades fit in?
- Is it important to you that your student is excited about what she or he is learning?
- How often do you find yourself mentioning your student's academic successes in casual conversations with friends?
- How much is your student's success part of your identity?
Parents may be accustomed to saying, “Just do the best you can”—assuming that this will result in outstanding grades. Parents may not realize they have uncommonly high expectations about academic performance until their student hits an unexpected academic snag. Students also have very high expectations of themselves and are very tuned into parents' reaction to grades.
Northwestern fills its freshman class with students who graduated in the top 10 percent of their high school classes. This means that 90 percent of the students are in the unfamiliar position of no longer being at the top of their class—and half of them will be in the bottom half. This can be a crisis for a student who has based his or her identity on academic performance.
Remember, most students change their minds about majors three or four times during their college career. Matching interests and abilities to reality is an arduous process. Talking about becoming a doctor since age 12 is not the same as becoming one!
Values
- What have you communicated to your student about alcohol, drugs, and sexual conduct?
- How will you handle it when you find evidence that experimentations in these areas is occurring?
- What kind of example are you setting by the choices you have made?
- How will you handle challenging discussions regarding your lifestyle and beliefs? How will you understand changes in your student over time? Do you have a conceptual understanding of cognitive and moral development?
When it comes to values, many parents think that their example speaks for itself and communicating honestly and directly about their own experiences and concerns is redundant. However, students do care what their parents think. These discussions serve as a grounding to refer back to when faced with difficult choices at school.
It is important to regard these conversations as “teachable moments.” Staying calm and expressing concern may open a complex discussion where you can be a real resource. Viewing yourself as a mentor and a model at these moments will guide difficult discussions.
Finances
- Have you been straightforward about financial realities?
- Are you aware of sending mixed messages about money?
- Do you have an estimation of true living expenses at Northwestern?
- How do you feel about credit cards and bank accounts?
College-bound students enjoying newfound social and psychological independence may paradoxically experience an increase in financial dependence. Students accustomed to having a part-time job, access to a car at home, their own room, etc., may encounter a new and/or confusing financial dependency during the college years.
Although conscious of the need to give their students space to make choices and mistakes as autonomy is developed, parents often send mixed messages about finances. College represents a tremendous financial investment. In other areas of life, control of an investment of this magnitude would be considered crucial. Some parents are tempted to exert intrusive controls that actually impede developing autonomy.
A system that allows your son or daughter room for financial choices and responsibility is important. Consider the following steps:
- Keep track of your student's daily expenses for two months in order to analyze how money is spent.
- Establish one lump sum payment at the beginning of the semester so that your student gains experience in budgeting.
- Be explicit about what you will provide money for and what is expected to be provided by your son or daughter.
- Have your student open and maintain a checking account.
- Establish clear guidelines for the use of any credit cards.
- Never use money as a bribe or threat.
MAKING THE TRANSITION: SUGGESTIONS FOR SENDING YOUR STUDENT TO COLLEGE
The following suggestions may be helpful to parents, especially those who are sending a son or daughter to college for the first time.
- Focus on communication rather than control.
Pay attention to how your student is adjusting. Ask questions, but also watch for signs, such as coming home every weekend or rarely mentioning friends, that may point to adjustment problems. Offering direct advice may be seen as interference; instead you might ask your student about the steps he or she has already taken and other options, such as contacting student organizations on campus, that may be worth exploring.
- Try to be supportive.
This may mean simply listening, or maybe sending a care package. Remind your student that you are there whenever needed, but don't be discouraged if you detect a new unwillingness to discuss relationships and activities. Never force communication; it is enough for your student to know you are there.
- Adjust expectations.
Competition is keener in college that in high school. Straight-A student may have to
struggle for the first time to maintain a B average. A sense of failure and shock may set in if your son or daughter discovers that his or her identity as an “overachiever” may in fact be fragile. Parents need to reassure their students that these experiences and feelings are normal. Also keep in mind that developing social connections and a sense of community are no less important than academic success. The student who maintains a high grade point average but has difficulty making friends may need help with the adjustment process.
- Expect changes.
For many students, the impulse to challenge assumptions and cultivate experimental self-images intensifies in college. Your student may come home looking different, sounding different, and acting different. These changes are to be expected. You may also notice weight gain in your student (the “freshman 15”). In Fact, weight gain or loss is common during stressful periods. Be aware that an inordinate focus on weight and body image can signal or set the stage for eating disorders.
- Be positive.
Send letters of encouragement. It is normal to experience grief when your child leaves home, but don't describe this in detail to your student. Instead, it may help to emphasize the new opportunities that both you and your student now enjoy.
- Anticipate the potential impact of changes at home.
Research shows that the parent-student relationship figures importantly in the overall adjustment to college. Also important is the relationship between parents. Parents who are embroiled in their own problems may not be aware of their student's difficulties. The student may be reluctant to “worry” them. When major upheavals such as divorce occur, you may want to encourage your student to seek counseling.
- Promote your student's sense of security.
Talk with your student before making changes to your home, such as converting his or her bedroom to suit a different purpose. For some students, this sense of security is important; others don't care.
- Allow freedom.
This is a time to explore. Most students change their majors an average of three times. Freshman year is the year to taste variety.
- Share your experience.
It may be helpful to share your experience of transition to college (if you went), but remember that your student's experience may be different. For example, today's young adults deal with the AIDS threat, increasing multiculturalism, and a different economic climate. Also, parents tend to remember the so-called good old days. Your student may wonder what is wrong with him or her if he or she is not having a great time. Most students eventually find a niche and learn from the experience.
- Educate your student.
Have they read the Student Handbook ? Do they know their CA ? Do they know the location of the Health Service and Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) ? Are they talking to their adviser? Did they attend the New Student Week workshops dealing with campus safety, sexual assault, and alcohol ? Do they know where to go for help?
- Be patient.
Don't panic if your student is experiencing difficulty adjusting to college. Some students expect to start deep friendships as soon as they arrive on campus. It may be helpful to remind them that their high school friendships took a while to form, and new relationships at Northwestern will take time as well. Other students are thrown by the large size of the University. Some are adjusting to the culture shock of a cold weather climate or cultural challenges associated with Northwestern's geographical region.
- Expect resistance.
It is difficult to return to old rules at home when your student has experienced the freedom to make many kinds of decisions at college. Again, this is a normal stage of individuation. Sometimes a mutually respectful talk upon returning home can help both sides communicate needs and expectations.
- Take your student seriously.
Take your student's anxieties about schoolwork and relationships seriously. The most common concerns raised by students visiting the student counseling service involved anxiety and stress about schoolwork and relationships. Resolution of these concerns is one key to a stable identity. Encourage your student to contact CAPS if needed.
- Let your student make mistakes.
This is probably the hardest suggestion, but it's also the most important. Your student's mistakes may be some of the most valuable learning opportunities he or she has.
- Smile!
You've done your part. Keep the lines of communication open and appreciate the wonder of your student's development!
ADVICE FROM SEASONED NORTHWESTERN PARENTS AND GRADUATING SENIORS
- Stay in touch.
Keep in touch, even if you're not hearing much from your student. And e-mail a week, a phone call, or a box of cookies makes your son or daughter aware of your continuing support. The greatest need for contact with home is likely to come during the early weeks of the quarter, during times of greatest academic pressure, and during any crisis.
- Listen.
Listen to your student. Your son or daughter will probably make at least one “dump” call when you will hear nothing but complaints. Often, just talking about the problem makes your student feel better and ready to move on, even if you are left drained. Most of all, students want to know that you understand their feelings and the stress of being a student.
- Don't obsess about grades.
Don't ask about grades all the time. The adjustment to Northwestern's academic demands takes time, and midterm grades may not be indicative of a freshman's future work. Sometimes it takes several quarters before a student realizes the amount and quality of study time he or she needs.
- Encourage your student to get involved.
Encourage your student to get involved in at least one activity during freshman year. It doesn't matter what the activity is as long as he or she has a feeling of connection to other students and to the community. Some suggestions include getting involved in residence hall activities, joining a religious organization, volunteering for student community services, or working on Dance Marathon.
- Get involved yourself.
Stay involved in Northwestern. Check out the NewsCenter ; read the student newspaper ; visit your student during Family Weekend or another time; or subscribe to the Parents Listserv .
- Know when to ask for help.
If you are concerned about a situation, remember that you can always call an administrator in Student Affairs and share your concern. That administrator often can give you suggestions on how to deal with the problem and ease your mind.
- Know who to ask for help.
Refer your son or daughter to the assistant or associate dean in his or her school if there is concern about a particular adviser, class, or professor or the need for tutoring. If there are serious family or health problems, your student should contact the dean of students. If you have a question or concern, or if there is a family emergency, you may always call the dean of students at 847/491-8430.
- Know when not to ask for help.
At the same time, don't try to always “fix it” for your student. As young adults, students need to seek out solutions for themselves. After talking to someone in Student Affairs, you can always give your son or daughter suggestions for working things out.
- Keep roommate problems in perspective.
Don't react hastily to roommate concerns. It often takes several months for roommates to adjust to one another. However, don't let serious problems go too long. If a roommate violates your student's space or comfort in the room, insist that your son or daughter talk to a resident adviser or a professional staff person in University Residential Life . Remember: you can always make a confidential call to a staff person.
- Advise persistence.
Urge your student not to give up if a class is closed at registration. Some students are able to enroll by going to the first or second day of class and waiting for someone to drop out.
- Encourage your student to explore Chicago.
Encourage your student to get to know one of the world's greatest cities with a group of friends. From the Art Institute to professional sports, from gourmet restaurants to ethnic storefronts, Chicago has something for everyone.
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Academic Life
Student Life and Services
Policies, Procedures, and Safety
Staying Involved With Your Student
Advice for Parents
Resources for Parents
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